RELATIONS WITH NEW PARTNER OF PARENTS
Because the child continues to mature when their parents divorced and lives with another person, it is necessary that the new partner are pleasant to the baby?
The situation varies depending on the child and depending on the partner. That first receives the second with pleasure or sorrow, it is quite irrelevant to the unconscious. For the child's unconscious, what is really required is that there is an adult to prevent them from having total intimacy with the parent. This new companion of the parent allows him to experience the Oedipus complex, if it has not lived between his two parents because these were separated too early, or allow him to live out a new variant, with its emotional conflict of love / hate, that relate in a contradictory manner and in different ways those two adults, both models and rivals for him.
What are the main difficulties in the relationship between the stepfather or stepmother on one side and the other child?
In my opinion, the rocks are not the child's side, the difficulty may come from his mother - jealous, for example, that her former husband's second marriage to be fruitful and that his son loves me to rival winning. This can happen even if the mother has remarried and had children again.
I think of a case which seems to me to illustrate perfectly what you just said. This is a boy of four years: his parents had separated while seemingly a good relationship. He lived with his mother. The father had remarried. After the birth of first child of this new couple, the mother of this child has declined sharply, and without explanation, to send him by his father for the weekend. The child then began to suffer from ear infections to repeat and, simultaneously, a kind of weakness in the legs, as if he had lost a foothold.
Another obstacle may arise if you change the attitude of the father of a child quando questi ha un figlio dalla sua nuova compagna. Il figlio del primo matrimonio può ricordargli qualcosa dell’atmosfera dolorosa degli anni in cui fu costretto a rompere. Reciprocamente, lui stesso verrà percepito all’improvviso come molto esigente – spesso a ragione – dal bambino.
Le difficoltà in queste situazioni non provengono dal bambino. Può essere aiutato a superarle quando incontra abbastanza “psicologhe” da fargli capire le difficoltà provocate con ogni probabilità, nei due genitori, da una nuova nascita (di un fratellastro o di una sorellastra).
Quando, senza risposarsi, un genitore riprende una vita di coppia con un nuovo partner, quali possono essere gli effetti delle presenza di quest’ultimo sul bambino?
Si tratta di una situazione triangolare che non è legalizzata. In ogni modo, il bambino ha bisogno che diversi adulti, di sessi differenti, si occupino di lui dai due anni e mezzo, tre anni, i poi. Anche quando è piccolissimo, è felice di vedere diverse immagini di uomini e donne.
E’ meglio che un bambino dica: “Io ho tre papà”, piuttosto che: “La mia mamma vive da sola, io non ho un papà”. A condizione che egli sappia per conto suo di avere un padre, che forse non conosce e che è unico, occorre dargli la libertà di parola di dire: “Ho tre papà”. Sarà una autodifesa against the curiosity of his companions. In any case, the mother has to say: "You have a father like everyone else, just that you do not know." But three people call "Dad" is better than not having a "father" or father of a birth, known or unknown. A father is not necessarily the father, mother, father, legal or adoptive father. You may have even more mothers, but there is always only a birth mother, known or unknown.
You just said that a father is not necessarily a natural father, or legal adoption. This reminds me of a story reported by the press. A girl called "dad" the new mother's partner. His father is waiting she has seven years to explain that he is the father, and then she must call him "Dad." Once again the mother, and in the presence of his father, the friend called her mother "my dear father." And 'the last time he will review his father, they do not come back.
calls "dad" the friend of the mother, why not? One who thinks that the law is made by the daughter, so far as to conclude that this child will withhold the right to be a father as she spoke only of father, a father is really fragile! This proves that what he says his daughter is the truth: that father did not act by his father.
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"My sister and I do not want you answered you," say some children to the mother.
She can only respond: "I do not marry for your pleasure or to make you angry. I'm getting married because I must. I love a man, and I want to live with him. It 's really a shame that this may do you pleasure, but you are not forced to live with us. "
If she obeys the children, what are the consequences?
The children are often children who speak so long, because the mother has to obey them as if they were the spokesmen of a child law, which would nel cuore di ogni donna: amare un unico uomo (questa credenza deriva forse dal fatto che ognuno di noi ha solo un padre e solo una madre, anche se può avere molti papà e molte mamme). Nel primo esempio, era la figlia a dettar legge al padre; in questo secondo esempio, è la figlia a dettar legge alla madre.
La cosa terribile per questi figli è che spesso, alcuni anni dopo, la madre dice loro: “Mi sono sacrificata per voi, per voi non mi sono risposata”. La loro vita viene a trovarsi come paralizzata da un’embolia dovuta al senso di colpa: la circolazione degli affetti e la corrente lipidica vengono impedite. Di fatto, avranno la madre a carico per il resto della vita, anche se saranno capaci di evolversi e di sposarsi.
All’inverso, certi figli chiedono alla madre, al padre di risposarsi: “Perché non ti sposi con il mio maestro?”, chiedeva un ragazzino di sei anni alla madre. La madre di una ragazzina di quattro anni e mezzo se n’era andata di casa; la ragazzina diceva alla sua maestra: “Perché non vieni a passare il week-end con il mio papà?”.
Sono bambini che vorrebbero essere liberati dalla violenza delle loro pulsioni incestuose nei confronti del genitore con cui vivono; questo perché quel genitore pare non aver bisogno di adulti e si ripiega sul bambino; più spesso ancora, perché l’adulto vive di nuovo dal proprio padre o dalla propria mother - whether by his paternal grandmother is the father by her grandmother if the mother is. This regression of the father or mother to child was in their eyes it blocks the development.
happens that the parents continue to have a relationship outside and that does not say to the child. It 's a shame, because for their development, the child needs reassurance that the words on this fact: that the adult has a special relationship with another adult.
There are mothers that allow a broad duty to visit their former husband to get their lover without the children.
It 's a good thing, but I always say to their children. The word that should tell them is "boyfriend". The mother may have many "boyfriends" and the child, for its part, needs to have a word. You must explain that the word means, "Maybe we'll get married. In the meantime, I do not know well. Me and a gentleman ["I and a lady," if the father is talking about a "girlfriend"] we love. If it becomes serious, they will be informed. " Children need to have the classical terms. "Boyfriend" is different from "friend". For a child, is a word that means a promise of marriage. "Friend" to him means "companion [of games]," a term that does not includes the sexual dimension, while the opposite is for an adult. When a woman says: "I have a friend", people believe that it is a lover.
To return to the child asks her mother to marry the school teacher, there are mothers who marry their child's teacher as a result of this request.
"Because he's does so well, why not?" E 'idiotic!
E 'useful stepfather (stepmother) to remind the child not to be his father (his mother)?
must take into account the context in which the child has lived with his parents, particularly if they continue to have great difficulty relationships. In some cases, it may be necessary for the stepfather (or stepmother) can say, "I have nothing against your father [your mom]," and "I do not have with you because you are his son [daughter] nor because [t] he looks like. " You can always tell the child: "You have only a father, what you have conceived, but I am willing to be your daddy," "You're a single mother, that you conceived, but I'm willing to be the your mom. " The
difficult situations with his stepfather or stepmother often derive from the parent with whom the child lives, mostly the mother, most often the father. It seems that the parent with whom the child lives does not accept well the rights that his new spouse will retain his role as educational for children of first marriage. The child becomes aware of this ambivalence. When he rebels against the stepfather of words that limit its freedom, or in certain expressions of criticism by her stepmother, she feels that her parents did not benefit. If the birth parent is not ambiguous, and if, for example, he leaves the room to leave her new spouse to quiet the baby, things can settle down very quickly. Similarly, if your child complains to his father: "Yes, yes, I know you can not see me" - or with his mother: "Your lover I can not see" - The birth parent may respond: "If you really need to make a fuss, I can not take you with me, you go. - Yes, but my father [mother] does not want me. - There are only the father and mother, there are external solutions. " And you realize then that those tensions are an attempt to regression to a report in which the child is still trying to dominate the parent of the blood with which he lives.
may be that the status of the child to the new spouse is not clear that has not been exposed cone logically and affection from the parent contiguous. The child then lives a kind of fluctuation, if the father, for example, has not said, speaking of his new wife: "E ' la tua matrigna, lei si è presa la responsabilità di educarti. Dal momento che sei a casa mia, penso proprio che la tua matrigna abbia voce in capitolo perché lei è a casa sua”. La matrigna diventa credibile agli occhi del bambino perché il padre le offre il suo appoggio simbolico. Si sentono sempre le madri dire al loro nuovo coniuge: “Non è tuo figlio, allora lascialo in pace”. Il patrigno non è credibile perché la madre non lo rende credibile.
Tuttavia può succedere che il bambino, forse a ragione, sopporti male il nuovo partner, che lo senta ostile.
Se è consapevole di questa ostilità e se può dirla, sarebbe bene che la madre, if she is what it is, tell him: "You're too unhappy when I live with Tom. Could you maybe talk to your father. If you want to live with him, you'll have to leave your school, your teammates. If he accepts, and if the new wife agrees, we will require a change in the court of matrimonial matters. If your father refuses, and if things do not go better for you, we will try to unravel to find a good location. " If the mother does not dare to speak to his son or daughter, someone else can do, such as the family doctor.
Some women are friends only with other women sometimes still the same, and likewise, some men befriending only altri uomini oppure con uno solo. Quali possono essere le ripercussioni di questa situazione sul bambino?
I bambini sanno che una coppia di donne o una coppia di uomini non può dare bambini. Dunque è una scelta, e occorre che sia chiaro questo: che è una scelta della madre o del padre, a seconda dei casi. Occorre che la madre o il padre lo dica e non lo nasconda, affinché il bambino abbia una spiegazione logica.
Oggi, non è necessario essere omosessuali per non avere bambini. Basta prendere la pillola.
Infatti. Ma le donne che prendono la pillola rischiano di apparire agli occhi dei loro figli come persone che hanno un potere mutilante o distruttore se il senso della contraception is not clearly explained to them.
When mothers say, "I do not want to risk having more children, so I take the pill," is already different. It 'clear that being pulled over by an adult homosexual is a form of regression in the eyes of the child, in comparison with what this adult was the first since he had that child.
The proliferation of legal separations, marriage and subsequent changes of partners that this implies, allows the children are said to live where they choose their own terms and outside of traditional constraints, the "parents" , the "brothers", the "sisters" che preferiscono.
Non sono d’accordo che si parli di scelta: si tratterebbe di criteri di gradimento o di non gradimento consci. Quando i genitori si separano, le difficoltà incontrate dal bambino nel suo sviluppo sono di ordine inconscio; gli effetti non si vedono nell’immediato, ma anni dopo. E’ la dinamica dell’inconscio.
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